(A passenger is sitting in the emergency exit row. We’re required by law to brief them on the operation of the window exit. One of the instructions is to ‘throw the exit door out’.) Me: “Do you have any questions for me on the operation of this door?” Passenger: “Yes, there’s something I’ve always wondered. When you throw the door out, where does it go?” Me: “It just goes outside. It doesn’t matter where it ends up. Just throw it out and get out.” Passenger: “Well, what if it hits somebody?” Me: “You’d be the first one out, so it’s not going to hit anybody.” Passenger: “What if there’s some guy hiking?” Me: “Sir, if there’s some guy hiking where we’ve just crash landed a plane, I’m sure he’s got bigger problems than a door hitting him.”AIRLINE | CANADA
Don’t Knock Exit Doors
Not Quite Streets Ahead
GROCERY STORE | USA
(I am checking out a customer and taking their details.)
Me: “Ma’am, what is your street name?”
Customer: “I don’t really have one of those. I usually just go by Shanice.”
Me: “Uh, ma’am, I meant the street name where you live.”
Customer: “Oh, I knew that!”
I Now Pronounce You Employed
ICE CREAM SHOP | MICHIGAN, USA
Me: “Hello sir, what can I get for you?”
Customer: “Hi, are you hiring?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a family-run business. Is there something you wanted to eat?”
Customer: “No. I wanted a job.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot hire you. If you don’t want anything to eat, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We are very busy today.”
(The customer leaves, frustrated. Not 10 minutes later, he returns.)
Me: “Hello again, do you want something to eat now?”
(The customer gets down on one knee.)
Customer: “Will you marry me?”
Me: “Sir, please stand up.”
(Whole shop applauds.)
Customer: “Please? It’s my only hope of getting a job!”
I Hear Sea Shells On The Sea Shore
RETAIL | USA (I work at a small shop that sells sea shells and other beach items. A customer comes in and holds a piece of merchandise to her ear.)
Customer: “I think I can hear the ocean. I thought they were lying!”
Me: “Um, ma’am…”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “You’re holding a cup with a seashell painted on it to your ear.”
It Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
SUPERMARKET | SHEFFIELD, UK (A customer enters the door in a huff, dragging along her young daughter. She then dumps a raw chicken (including guts and fats) into my hands. Our store’s policy is that if you get raw meat on yourself, to stop what you’re doing and wash your hands immediately.)
Customer: “I went to cook it today for my family, and I found all the chicken’s organs and stuff still inside it!”
Me: “We’re very sorry about that. Do you have a receipt? Could you just get that out ready for me while I dispose of this and wash my hands?”
Customer: “You people are always making up excuses to do things half-heartedly!”
Me: “I have to, I have raw chicken on my hands.”
Customer: “Me too! I’m not slowing down my day!”
Me: “Would you like a wet wipe? I wouldn’t want you or your daughter to get salmonella or something.”
Customer: “What! You people have salmonella chickens? We’re gonna get bird flu!”
(The customer rips the chicken open with her hands.)
Customer: “Look, see! I told you!” *holds out the chicken’s entrails* “You just didn’t want me to prove it! Trying to scare me with bird flu!”
(I ring up the refund.)
Me: “Now, you really should wash your hands straight away. Salmonella-”
Customer: “Don’t be stupid! There’s no bird flu in it or I’d have sneezed.”
Ah, Parents…
SANDWICH SHOP | RHODE ISLAND, USA (The phone rings at around 6-ish.)
Me: “Hello, this is D-…”
(I hear loud crying in the background.)
Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”
Me: “I…er…what?”
Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*
Fighting Fire With Fire
RESTAURANT | BELGIUM (A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)
Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”
Father: *beaming* “No.”
Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”
Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”
(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)
Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”
Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”
Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”
Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”
Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”
Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”
Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”
Customer 3: Hold on…”
(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)
Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”
Father: *still beaming* “No.”
Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”
Father: “Do you guys even work here?”
Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”
(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)
Father: “You’re lying.”
Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”
(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)
Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia
911 CALL CENTER | MONTREAL, QC, CANADA
Dispatch: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”
Caller: “Help, please God, help!”
Dispatch: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”
Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”
Dispatch: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”
Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”
Dispatch: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”
Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”
Dispatch: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”
Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”
Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”
You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
CALL CENTER | CHATSWORTH, CA, USA (Note: the customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)
Employee: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”
Customer: “How much for my daughter?”
Employee: “Um…”
Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”
Employee: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”
Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”
Employee: “Adult websites.”
Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”
Driving Miss Ditzy
SUPERMARKET | ATLANTA, GA, USA
Employee: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like me to take your groceries to your car?”
Customer: “…into MY car?”
Employee: “Yes, I can do that for you.”
Customer: “You want a lift in my car!”
Employee: “No, ma’am. I can take your groceries to your car for you and return the trolley.”
Customer: “But I still have groceries in my trolley! You can’t take my trolley yet! I’m not done!”
Employee: “Ma’am, if you want to do it yourself, that’s fine.”
Customer: “Wait! I need help!”
Employee: “Alright, where did you park your car?”
Customer: “Hold on! Why the h*** do you need to know where my car is?”
Employee: “So I can put your things in there.”
Customer: “No, this doesn’t sound right. I’m onto you!”
(The customer shuffles away with her trolley, periodically turning around to look at the employee suspiciously.)
